. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
As long as I remained there, I continually preached he Qur'an in the streets, homes and mosques. Many people repented of their sins and considered me one of God's saints. A number of people touched my feet. But my spirit found no rest. Through such an experience I felt even a contempt for the shari cah, a feeling that daily increased. From there I travelled another ٢٠٠ kos and arrived at my home town. I lost interest in the recitation of the lectionaries. During this eight or ten year period the shaykhs, the mawlawis, the faqirs and other pious Muslims whom I met, as well as their conduct, inner thoughts, prejudices, deceptions, ignorance and quarrellings which I saw, convinced me that there is no religion in this world which is true. Many other Muslim scholars also have undergone the same experiences.
Initially, I considered Islam to be the best of all the world's religions because Mawlawi Rahmat Ullah, Al-i Hasan, Wazir Khan, etc., had presumptuously thought that they had proved Christianity to be a false religion. I too was present when the Muslim scholars held that great debate with Dr. Pfander in Agra and had seen Kitab-i Istifsar, Izalat ul-Awham and cIjaz-i cIsawi, books written by Muslims in refutation of Christianity, and I considered Christianity to be worthless. Even when preaching, I proclaimed to my disciples the defects of this religion. On one occasion, when I was preaching at the Jamic Masjid in Akbarabad, Dr. Henderson, Inspector of Schools in the Meerut Division, and Mr. Fallon ٥, Inspector of Government Schools, entered the mosque with Mawlawi Karim ud-Din to listen to the sermon. At the time, I was speaking to Muslims about Christianity in a critical manner. Such was my prejudice that I did not restrain myself in the presence of these officers. In brief, I was a strong opponent of Christianity. But with a growing awareness of the state of Muslims, I gradually felt in my heart that all religions are useless. Better to live a life of ease, to do good to all and to know in one's heart that God is one. These absurd ideas possessed me for six years. During this period I put my trust in principles formulated in my mind on the basis of these previous experiences.
When I came to Lahore and the people discovered that I was no longer following the practices of Islam, they began to make allegations against me before the religious leaders. Yet I still considered Islam to be true, though I did not adhere to the shari cah. But now and again, when I thought about death, the time of departure from this world and the Day of the Lord's judgement, my spirit was as if it were standing alone, weak, helpless and needy in a place filled with great dread and horror. As a result my heart became so overcome with anguish that my face often grew pale. In this state of restlessness I sometimes departed to be alone and to weep bitterly. On occasions, I told the doctors that I was suffering from some malady which left me so agitated that I was losing control over myself, that at times I thought that perhaps I should commit suicide. I was extremely disturbed and had peace only after crying for sometime. Even the medicines they prescribed did not quieten me. I was an ill-tempered man.
When I went to Lahore, I worked under Mr. Mackintosh, a scholar and a man of virtue, who was headmaster of the Teachers' Training School in Lahore. There I heard from Jabalpur that Safdar Ali had become a Christian. I was indeed amazed. For some days I went around speaking ill of Safdar Ali and thinking all sorts of bad ideas about him. At the same time, I often wondered what made this good and
